“All Are Welcome”… Except When They’re Not

“It’s easy to exclude when you’ve never been excluded.”

That’s the thought that struck me after reading an online newsletter from a believing member of the faith I no longer follow, where he reflected on the Church’s message, “All Are Welcome,” and shared a personal story about a same-sex married couple attending his ward. He acknowledged the efforts made to welcome them but ultimately framed their departure as inevitable due to their lifestyle not aligning with Church doctrine. He discussed the balance between acceptance and promoting commandments, emphasizing that while all are welcome, God asks for everything.

He also introduced the concept of “empathy blindness,” cautioning against overextending compassion in ways that compromise doctrinal teachings.

As someone who spent many years in the same faith tradition, I understand how deeply embedded doctrine can become in our lives. I was once in the very place this author was writing from — firm in my belief that following doctrine as outlined by the church was the most Christlike thing to do. But over time, especially after expanding my own faith and values, I’ve come to see things from a very different perspective.

I’ve learned that true joy and peace don’t come from rigidly adhering to doctrines or rules; they come from living in alignment with your values. And when those values are centered around love, compassion, and acceptance, anything that contradicts that can create a deep sense of dissonance.

I have the privileges that come form being a straight, Cisgender, white, monogamous male. As an affirming mental health therapist, I long to help others, especially well-intentioned believers, understand the profound damage caused when individuals are sacrificed on the altar of doctrine. The harm caused by prioritizing doctrine over people’s lived experiences, identities, and emotional well-being is real and devastating.

Choosing doctrinal obedience over unconditional love isn’t Christlike — it’s heartbreaking. And it’s one of the reasons why so many people, particularly those in the LGBTQ+ community, find it impossible to stay within the church.

The conflict between doctrine and values

The author mentioned shared efforts to welcome a same-sex couple into a religious community, accompanied by private doubts about whether they would stay, given that their relationship didn’t align with church teachings. Ultimately, the couple left, and their “lifestyle” was cited as the reason. This brings up a deeper issue: the author had an expressed value of acceptance and inclusion. He wanted to embrace them!

The desire to welcome these individuals, engage in meaningful conversations, and offer friendship demonstrates a commitment to inclusivity, human connection, and kindness. Yet, by deferring to “doctrine,” it seems that his actions may not fully align with his values.

This is the exact kind of internal conflict that I work through with my clients all the time. I’ve seen firsthand how people who deeply value love and acceptance struggle with church teachings that exclude or marginalize others based on their identity. This conflict created cognitive dissonance in me because, on one hand, I wanted to show Christlike love and compassion, and on the other hand, I was told that to truly follow God, I must uphold teachings that inherently reject people for being who they are. Now the choice is easy.

Joy comes from living in alignment with Your values

Joy, true joy, comes when we are living authentically — when our actions, our words, and our beliefs are all in harmony with the values that matter most to us. For me, and for many others who have walked a similar path of deconstructing faith, that joy was found not in sticking to doctrines, but in releasing them when they conflicted with what we felt was deeply right.

In my work as a therapist, I’ve helped many clients discover that their peace, happiness, and spiritual fulfillment are rooted in living a life that reflects their deepest values: love, respect, and the acceptance of all people, exactly as they are.

The gospel is often framed as requiring us to “give everything to God,” including our passions, our sins, and our very identity. But when the “everything” includes parts of ourselves that are central to who we are — our love, our sense of self, our ability to authentically connect with others — this becomes deeply harmful.

I see it time and time again in my work with LGBTQ+ clients. They want to belong to a faith community but are asked to give up the most sacred parts of themselves to stay. When we allow doctrine to override love, we lose sight of what it means to live a religion.

Though I no longer consider myself religious; I am better living that religion now more than ever.

The real harm of putting doctrine over people

The harm caused by placing doctrine above individuals cannot be overstated. It’s not just a philosophical issue — it’s a real, tangible source of pain for many people. The story shared about the same-sex couple who left a ward is a perfect example. Yes, the ward may have been friendly, and yes, there were efforts to welcome them. But those efforts stop short when the underlying message is, “We’ll be friendly to you, but we fundamentally believe that who you are and who you love is wrong.”

That message is heard loud and clear, and it causes harm. It’s the same message that causes people to internalize shame, to question their worth, and to feel like they will never truly belong in a space that they once considered sacred.

I see this harm in my office all the time — clients who grew up believing they were loved by God, only to feel abandoned when their identity didn’t match church teachings. It leads to depression, anxiety, and, in some cases, devastatingly, suicide.

What’s particularly painful is that much of this harm comes from well-intentioned people who believe they’re doing the right thing by adhering to doctrine. They don’t see the damage because they’re so focused on being obedient. But as a therapist who works with people who have lived through this trauma, I can assure you that the harm is real, and it’s deep.

From “Empathy Blindness” to “Compassion Clarity”

Empathy blindness was the term the author used when individuals become so focused on adhering to compassion that they fail to adhere to doctrine. This can lead to a harsh reality where people feel that acceptance is contingent upon their ability to conform to specific beliefs. While the intention may be to help, the statement, “We often overextend ourselves to make accommodations, create comfort, or soften theology that feels harsh,” reflects a struggle many face in balancing empathy with adherence to doctrine.

I find that family members of LGBTQ+ individuals sincerely want to be compassionate but struggle when they hear voices like this and other voices from leaders that warn them “we have to be careful that love and empathy do not get interpreted as condoning and advocacy”.

My hope is that if your heart says, “Be loving and show empathy”, that you vigorously love, show empathy — and your loved ones can only interpret it as condoning and advocating!

I suggest that we work towards cultivating “compassion clarity.” This concept encourages us to navigate the delicate balance between honoring our beliefs and affirming the inherent worth of each individual. We can draw upon the timeless advice to “love thy neighbor as thyself.” However, truly embodying this principle requires us to imagine what it would be like to be in the shoes of those who are sexual or gender minorities. By putting ourselves in their position, we deepen our understanding of their struggles and recognize the importance of unconditional love and acceptance.

You cannot truly “love your neighbor as yourself” without first imaging yourself as your neighbor — as a gender or sexual minority for example — and ask yourself how you would want others to treat you.

Prioritizing “compassion clarity” over “empathy blindness” allows us to challenges the notion that acceptance requires sacrificing our inner values. It highlights that true empathy thrives on recognizing and honoring the complexities of human experiences, allowing us to create an environment where all individuals feel welcomed and valued for who they are, rather than merely as they conform to expectations.

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Area all really welcome? *AI generated image using Gemini Advanced.

Personal values or church doctrine?

The tagline “All Are Welcome” might be well-meaning, but for many, it rings hollow. It’s difficult to feel truly welcome in a space where acceptance is conditional — where you’re only welcome if you’re willing to deny or suppress who you are.

The church wants to invite everyone to the table, but if the price of admission is giving up a core part of your identity, how welcoming is it, really?

I know this firsthand because I used to be a part of that system. I taught doctrine. I upheld the standards. But I eventually realized that there was a conflict between what I was teaching and what I believed in my heart. I believed in love, acceptance, and the inherent worth of every person, but the teachings I was sharing didn’t reflect that. When I came to this realization, I had to make a choice: would I continue to prioritize doctrine, or would I choose to live in alignment with my values?

I chose the latter. And since then, my life has been filled with more joy, peace, and fulfillment than I ever thought possible.

Living in alignment with my values — values of love, compassion, and radical acceptance — has brought me a deep sense of purpose. And the most important thing I’ve learned is that love, when given freely and unconditionally, is what heals.

Doctrine can’t do that. Rules and commandments can’t do that. But love can.

What I wish other believers could see

I know the author cares deeply about acceptance — and showed that in their efforts to welcome the same-sex couple into their ward. I want to encourage that.

But what I wish the author (and my readers) could see is that doctrine, as it stands, is preventing you from fully living out the values of acceptance, love and compassion.

You can’t fully welcome someone while also believing that their identity is fundamentally incompatible with the gospel. I hope for the day when “all” truly are welcome, and where joy comes not from obedience to rules, but from living in alignment with our deepest values.