From Orthodoxy to Compassion

Life in orthodoxy

In January of 2020, after 20 years of marriage, my world turned upside down when my wife finally told me what she had been wanting to say for years, “Mike, I’m done with the church”.

The church was everything to us. We were born into the same high-demand orthodox religion, attended church services weekly, and participated in church youth activities, summer youth camps, and even church dances as teenagers. We both learned foreign languages while serving proselytizing missions for the church in the late 1990s — she learned Spanish while living in New Orleans and I learned Polish in Eastern Europe. The first time I saw her was while she was teaching a sermon in 1999 during my first semester of college. We were married in 2000, had our first son in 2001, our second son was born in 2003, and were licensed foster parents for a few years in the mid-2000s.

As adults, the church continued to be the central focus of our daily lives. We spent hours each week serving in the church and spent time studying at home as a family. That was not all. At the time I had been an employee of the church for 19 years. In addition to being our lives, it was also our livelihood.

Fear and loss

One of my employment requirements was to exemplify the teachings of the church, including the teachings of marriage. I did not know if I would be allowed to continue to maintain my employment without my wife also following the church’s teachings. I found myself stuck. My primary desire was for her to be authentic and not continue to pretend to be a believer only so I could maintain my employment.

Fortunately my wife was able to honor my beliefs and support my choices. With the guidance of weekly therapy visits, I began to deconstruct my beliefs and rebuild my life around values. The past twenty-two months have been exhausting yet liberating, too much to describe fully at present. In January of 2021 — after exactly twenty years as a teacher — I resigned from my employment.

I lost my identity, my community, and my profession.

Compassion

As a church member, I made decisions based on beliefs and rules from an external source. The church dictated what we were supposed to do in every facet of our lives from what we should not drink, how we should dress, what movies were appropriate to watch, and even the underwear we wore. We have since identified values that guide our separate decisions — values that I feel are lacking in my experience with orthodoxy.

Recently I realized that my core value is compassion. My current working definition of compassion is anything one does to create time and space for self and others to exist and heal with curiosity instead of judgment. The decision to quit was an act of compassion for myself. It gave me time and space to process my beliefs without the added pressures that came as a church employee.

My experience with orthodox religion was that the value of curiosity is not encouraged. The church and church leaders need to be viewed as knowers of truth and as helpers. The Buddhist monk Pema Chödrön explains how I felt. I saw myself as a helper not seeing how that created distance and lacked warmth:

“Pity or professional warmth is easily mistaken for true compassion. When we identify ourselves as the helper, it means we see others as helpless. Instead of feeling the pain of the other person, we set ourselves apart. If we’ve ever been on the receiving end of pity we know how painful it feels. Instead of warmth and support, all we feel is distance. With true compassion, these updown identities are stripped away” (2007 p. 87).

I realized that my lack of curiosity prevented me from fully developing compassion. I am in the process of learning to replace pity with compassion and knowing with listening. It is my curiosity and compassion that underscore my ability to value the perspectives of diverse populations and beliefs. I honor the beliefs of others because that aligns with my current values.

I have experienced mental health symptoms my entire life and have been open with my experiences to educate others. In 2010 I was finally correctly diagnosed and began to be properly medicated. Looking back at my career and orthodox life I realize that compassion has always been a value of mine. I empathized with students who struggled. I pushed back against work policies and training to provide space for my students who disagreed with church doctrine or were struggling in other aspects of their lives.

When I resigned from my job, my friend and supervisor told me that he was not surprised. He said there was always a part of me that I did not fully allow in — that I withheld. I now have a label for that part of me: compassion. Now we are enjoying the lack of manufactured shame and the joy of authenticity together. Our marriage is richer for it.

Trauma and trauma-informed

I have specifically chosen this MSW because I knew I wanted a program that focused on a trauma-informed approach. Even though I was familiar with trauma it was this summer (during a conversation with my mechanic of all places) was when I first saw myself as a victim of trauma. I am slowly identifying the trauma I experienced as a church member. I see now that my circumstances were emotionally harmful.

My experiences as a foster parent, teacher of high schoolers, and school board member have all helped lead to my decision to study social work. In these settings, I saw the effects of trauma and sought to help the social well-being of individuals at the micro, mezzo, and macro levels respectively.

I hope that combining my experiences with trauma, and my compassion with a study of social work will help me provide a compassionate space full of warmth and support for others.

Note:

This essay was originally written to answer the following questions to enter an MSW graduate program:

A. Why you have chosen to enter the social work profession.B. Your ability to value the perspectives of diverse populations.C. How your academic, professional, personal, and volunteer experiences have prepared you for graduate studies in social work. D. Your motivation to apply to this MSW Program?

References

Chödrön, P. (2007). The places that scare you: A guide to fearlessness in difficult times.