Adding Neutral to the Gears of Touch –
A Practical Touch Framework for Increased
Regulation,
Connection, and
Pleasure
Couples operate on a broken "sexual escalator." If you start kissing on the couch, the unspoken rule is that you have to take it all the way to the bedroom. Because of this pressure, a lot of partners just stop touching each other entirely to avoid sending mixed signals.
To dismantle this exact problem, Dr. Barry McCarthy developed a brilliant 5-gear model of touch (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2019). He breaks physical contact into five distinct levels:
Affectionate touch: Warm, non-arousing connection.
Sensual touch: Physical pleasure without a demand for sex.
Playful touch: Lighthearted, flirtatious interaction.
Erotic touch: Highly arousing, deliberate touch to build tension.
Intercourse: The actual act of sex.
McCarthy points out a very common trap: most couples get stuck in either 1st gear (a quick, passing peck on the cheek) or 5th gear (intercourse) and completely skip all the rich, connection-building touch in between.
It’s a fantastic model for learning that touch doesn't have to be a direct, unstoppable path to sex. But for many people—especially if you are navigating religious trauma, a history of out-of-control sexual behaviors, or deeply entrenched shame—this 5-gear model misses a crucial baseline. When your body is holding past trauma or chronic anxiety, even a standard "affectionate" hug can carry an implicit demand. You need to feel somatically safe before you can even think about being affectionate.
To fix this, I added "Gear Zero"—Neutral touch, which focuses entirely on nervous system safety. To make this expanded model easy for you and your partner to actually remember and communicate when your nervous systems are running hot, I simplified it into three main gears using what I call the RECIPE of Touch.
Here is how the menu breaks down, along with exactly what you can say to ask for the gear you need:
RE: Regulation / Emotional Safety (Neutral or Zero Gear)
This is the foundational layer. Regulating touch has absolutely zero sexual expectation and zero demand for you to reciprocate. It’s entirely about co-regulation. Neutral touch should always be CPR: Calm, Pleasant, and Relaxing.
My partner perfectly describes this as "wireless recharging." You are simply resting near each other, absorbing safety and grounding without having to perform or expend any energy.
What it looks like:
Sitting shoulder-to-shoulder watching TV, sleeping back-to-back, a grounded 20-second hug, laying your head in their lap, or just resting a hand on their leg while driving.
What you can say to get it:
“Can I have some neutral touch?”
“Would you like some neutral touch right now?”
“Can we keep it in neutral tonight?”
“Let’s just start in neutral for a while together.”
“Can I have some CPR?”
CI: Connection / Intimacy (First or Middle Gear)
This phase lumps together affectionate, sensual, and playful touch. You are moving into physical closeness, but the stakes are still low. This is warm, loving touch that expresses care and physical pleasure without a hidden agenda.
What it looks like:
A lingering goodbye kiss, holding hands, giving a focused foot massage, taking a warm bath together, dancing in the kitchen, flirtatious nudges, or a playful wrestling match.
What you can say to get it:
"I'd really love some first gear connection—can we just cuddle on the couch?"
"Can we hang out in middle gear tonight? I'd love a backrub, but I want to keep it low-pressure."
"I'm feeling playful—want to mess around in first gear?"
PE: Pleasure / Eroticism (High Gear)
This phase covers highly arousing touch and intercourse. It is deliberate, often genital, and intended to build sexual tension and physical excitement.
What it looks like:
Heavy making out, manual or oral stimulation, using toys, sharing verbal fantasies, or intercourse.
What you can say to get it:
"I’d love to shift into high gear with you, are you open to that?"
"I'm feeling really turned on—do you want to take this into high gear?"
When you simplify touch into the RECIPE framework, it stops being a trap. You or your partner can confidently ask for First Gear (CI) knowing it’s not a legally binding contract for High Gear (PE). And for anyone healing from trauma or chronic stress, it gives you full permission to stay parked in Neutral Gear (RE)—just wirelessly recharging with some CPR—for as long as your nervous system requires.
References
McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2019). Enhancing couple sexuality: Creating an intimate and erotic bond. Routledge.
